Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
