you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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