I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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