our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
