i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Two words: nipple clamps
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