Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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