you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
