after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
