I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
