How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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