This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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