Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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