It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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