Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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