The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize