My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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