when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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