I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
