I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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