I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
