My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
