3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
