you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
