Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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