theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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