My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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