my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
