do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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