I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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