Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He passed out mid-signature
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
