I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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