my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
