What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
