I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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