You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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