I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
