that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
