i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
