FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
