i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
