She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
