I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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