OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
