You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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