Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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