Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
either way he was missing a nipple.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My liver just had a heart attack.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
we should paint friendship bongs
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