He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
