I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
don't judge my taste in strippers
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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