Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
