All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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