i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have already put on my inside pants.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
