I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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