Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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