How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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