So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
