it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
