Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
