I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the condom got lost in my hair
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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