did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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