Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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