we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
